Humorous birthday toasts and quotes

Humorous birthday toasts and quotes give us a chance to laugh at the trials and tribulations of maturity.  After all, advancing birthdays are much better than the alternative.

Cupcakes with candles spelling out Happy Birthday on them.

If there's a significant birthday in your future  -- a number that ends with a zero or a five --  celebrate with guests by offering a funny birthday toast to yourself. After all, people love speakers who don't take themselves so seriously.  And if you're less than thrilled about getting another year older, remember what the late great comedian George Burns once quipped:

There's an old saying, "Life begins at 40." That's ridiculous.
Life begins every morning when you wake up.

Guy with funny birthday hat and blower thing who is celebrating someone's birthday.

There are hundreds of humorous birthday toasts and quotes you can adapt. . You've no doubt heard some of these funny birthday sayings:

    Lordy Lordy -- Look who's 40
    Isn't it nifty--Fred has turned 50.

Humorous birthday toasts adn quotes: Adult birthdays through the decades

We could certainly slow down the aging process if it had to work its way through Congress.
     -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
     -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at 60 . . . but everything else begins to wear out, fall out or spread out.
     -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
     -- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out!

To 60 years and Social Security
Guess it's time to show some maturity.

70 years and he's going strong
He's still a hunk. . .perhaps not for long.

Today 50 is the new 35 and 80 is the new 60.
Here's to one who does not look or act their age!

Happy birthday!
Isn't it great to reach the stage of maturity when someone says, "You look good" and then adds "for your age."

Optimists drink from a glass half full; pessimists from a glass half empty. But since it's your birthday, drink as many glasses as you want.

Now you're at an age where you don't take yourself so seriously. So laugh at yourself . . . your kids do it all the time.

Another year older and wiser and bolder.
Now let us give thanks for those blessings we shoulder.

It's a scientific fact that people who have more birthdays live longer.

What goes up but never comes down?  Your age.

Remember when you were 8 and couldn't wait to become a teenager?
Then you wanted to be five years older and reach 18. . . the next goal was 21 and you had the world at your fingertips. But what happened at 30? Okay . . . you still looked 22.  Then at 40, not so much. And there's no need to go further.
Funny how our desire to age is inversely proportional to the years since our birth.

Birthday toasts and quotes to make 'em smile

If your birthday party guests have a good sense of humor, you might want to pull out these adaptations below of popular birthday sayings and stories or check out this collection of baby boomer humor:

You're over the hill when your back goes out more than you do.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
      -- Jack Benny

You know you're getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and then think about what else you might do while you're down there.
     --George Burns

The generation gap is one war in which everybody eventually changes sides.
     -- Cyril Connolly

Dr. Seuss on the golden age
(slightly modified from a  bawdier version)
The golden years have come at last,
Why don't I feel this is a blast?

I cannot see, I cannot pee.
I cannot chew. What can I do?

My memory shrinks. My hearing stinks.
No sense of smell... I look like hell.

My body's drooping, got trouble pooping.
And people ask, "Why am I stooping?"

The golden years have come at last.
The golden years can kiss my ass.

Senior life on the highway

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful."

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them!"

Humorous story for a birthday speech to make people laugh

Your Duck is dead!!

Anyone who has had any tests at the doctor's office will probably enjoy this story . . .

Vet with dead duck - AI generatedImage generated by Dalle-E

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.  The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250!" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250."

You might like these

  • Middle Age Birthday Toasts

    What's special about middle age birthday toasts? When someone reaches middle age, toasts can cover a wide range of topics. If you are celebrating someone in their 40s or 50s,here are some ideas of how to toast the occasion or what to write on a card.

  • Birthday toasts

    If a friend or family member is turning another year older, here are some ideas for birthday toasts that will help you make their celebration special.

  • 90th birthday celebration

    When someone has lived nine decades, they deserve a special celebration. Here are some ideas and tips to make the 90th birthday celebration memorable.