Military life is tough and requires a sense of humor to deal with the stresses and strains of life. Those who have served in the military often have a dry sense of humor that produces some funny military sayings. If you are going to be speaking or making a toast at a retirement celebration for a new veteran, check out this collection to add humor to your speech.
The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis.
- From a post-war debriefing of a German General
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have now done so much for so long with so little, we are now capable of doing anything with nothing.
Army food: the spoils of war
Friendly fire - isn't.
Marines I see as two breeds, Rottweilers or Dobermans, because Marines come in two varieties, big and mean, or skinny and mean. They're aggressive on the attack and tenacious on defense. They've got really short hair and they always go for the throat
— RAdm. "Jay" R. Stark
Draft beer, not people
- Bumper sticker
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is
- Coast Guard saying
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - US Marine Corps
There are only two kinds of people that understand Marines: Marines and the enemy. Everyone else has a second-hand opinion.
— Gen. William Thornson
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
— Napoleon Bonaparte
Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
--Air Force saying
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
— Ambrose Bierce
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker is because they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase, "Secure the building."
The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
— Whitney Brown
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
— Groucho Marx
Murphy’s Laws of Combat
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
We are not retreating—we are advancing in another direction
-- General Douglas MacArthur
A case of strange behavior
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the Army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine is that the Americans do not read their manuals.
- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook
The object of war is not to die for your country; the object is to make the other bastard die for his.
— General George S. Patton
When a plane crash seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
--Advice given RAF pilots during WWII:
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.
— Air Force saying